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Mr. Took-the-Bait morphed into Farmer. Talk about farm life, cattle, his shooting prowess, trips, my book and assorted topics made phone conversations delightful. Emails flew with daily reports. Weekly he was in town for engaging lunches at numerous new restaurants. My fave was Stronghill. One dinner invite I declined as I’m never available for a last minute engagement after Wednesday. (A single woman rule learned from a single mentor.)
Farmer accepted my invite in early August to go to a friend’s wedding in DC in late August. Then I heard nothing for three weeks. “Should I email? Should I call?” I wondered. “What is this all about?”
The wedding date was getting closer and if he wasn’t going, I was taking a girlfriend. I had to know. Enough of this silence.
“Would you come to my place for a visit? Come for the weekend and we’ll go on to the wedding on Saturday.” his email said, replying to my inquiry “Do you still want to go to the wedding at the end of the month?”
“Something’s missing” was a hunch. No contact for three weeks and I wasn’t about to get myself in a bad situation. Carefully I crafted my reply “Let’s meet in Fredericksburg at 0 dark early and make it a day trip". He agreed.
At the wedding, Farmer was charming. He declined my request for a dance to check out dancing skills he claimed to have. Chats were on a variety of topics and engaging, especially over the omission of the word “obey” from the vows. Note to self – what’s the big deal?
On the return drive to Fredericksburg he invited me to his home for the weekend. This time I accepted for mid September, three weeks later. A wave to each other in our separate cars headed to our respective homes was “Goodbye. It was fun.”
When in Fredericksburg, I always get a Carls treat. Savoring Carl’s dessert, I relived the day. The wedding was beautiful, the most exquisite I’ve seen, no detail left out; being with Farmer; seeing old friends all in the lush setting of George Washington’s River Farm were as delicious as the frozen treat.
“Something’s not right. Something's missing. ” my intuition strongly resounded. I added up the numbers – years married to first wife, years married to second wife left an 8 year gap, no matter how I added. “Something’s missing. ” was the echo.
“No kidding” I replied. “But what is it? I'm no math whiz but 8 years is a life span. What in the world....”
What's missing?
It’s another ‘wearing a wet, wooly dog’ day in RVA. The air conditioning at California Pizza will feel mighty good for lunch with Mr. Took-the-Bait, fresh from match.com. Resolve, commitment and action are a powerful combo to make things happen.
I’m hungry, sweaty and anxious about this ‘blind date’. How many years has it been since my last one? What are his social skills like? What will he be like? Will I like him? The questions go on and on.
California Pizza is packed. “Here I am” I hear after asking the hostess if a lone man has been seated. As I turn and see Mr. Took-the-Bait, I jump. He’s 8’ tall! Guess I missed that part of his profile.
Ever the gentleman he orders my lunch after taking my selections. He says nice things and asks about me. Points for him. Soon our conversation turns to him, naturally, revealing he has a child living in RVA, not far from my house. He lives on a several hundred acre farm near Charlottesville with Angus cattle, making him a ‘gentleman farmer.’ He has been successful in business and seems comfortable in his skin.
He tells me I can trust him and never have to be afraid when I’m with him. He’ll protect me. “What’s that about?” I wonder. The thought that I'd be afraid or need protecting never occured to me.
The waiter interrupts us to apologize for the nearby screaming kid that would send a terrorist running away. We sympathize with him, wish him well in dealing with that and question how the mother stands it.
When lunch is over, he walks me to my car. He guesses I drive a sporty little BMW or Mercedes. How wrong he was when he saw big ole Glory B sitting there, regally taking up her 4 parking places. After saying thanks for lunch and asking if he can take me out again, we say adieu. He climbs into a huge Albemarle County red mud covered SUV and drives away.
It was fun and got me looking forward to more dates. I certainly was excited about the success. And my intuition said “Something’s missing.”
I’m hungry, sweaty and anxious about this ‘blind date’. How many years has it been since my last one? What are his social skills like? What will he be like? Will I like him? The questions go on and on.
California Pizza is packed. “Here I am” I hear after asking the hostess if a lone man has been seated. As I turn and see Mr. Took-the-Bait, I jump. He’s 8’ tall! Guess I missed that part of his profile.
Ever the gentleman he orders my lunch after taking my selections. He says nice things and asks about me. Points for him. Soon our conversation turns to him, naturally, revealing he has a child living in RVA, not far from my house. He lives on a several hundred acre farm near Charlottesville with Angus cattle, making him a ‘gentleman farmer.’ He has been successful in business and seems comfortable in his skin.
He tells me I can trust him and never have to be afraid when I’m with him. He’ll protect me. “What’s that about?” I wonder. The thought that I'd be afraid or need protecting never occured to me.
The waiter interrupts us to apologize for the nearby screaming kid that would send a terrorist running away. We sympathize with him, wish him well in dealing with that and question how the mother stands it.
When lunch is over, he walks me to my car. He guesses I drive a sporty little BMW or Mercedes. How wrong he was when he saw big ole Glory B sitting there, regally taking up her 4 parking places. After saying thanks for lunch and asking if he can take me out again, we say adieu. He climbs into a huge Albemarle County red mud covered SUV and drives away.
It was fun and got me looking forward to more dates. I certainly was excited about the success. And my intuition said “Something’s missing.”
What did your resolutions do for you?
Hugging change, my 2011 theme, comes from deliberate actions taken last year. Ever heard the saying, “Be careful what you ask for.”? When what you ask for comes in spades, be ready to shuck and jive and embrace change. During the next few blogs you’ll be privy to what happened because I played big and bold in 2010.
It was one of those days that felt like I was wearing a wet wooly dog…a typical June day in RVA. Dressed in summer finery, I was on the way to Mandy’s wedding.
“I’m sick of this. I’m doing something about it.” I said. “This time next year my life will be different.” I muttered as I drove. “She’s divorced, dated, courted and getting married and I haven’t had a decent date in ages. Everybody’s getting married - even my daughter. This is changing.” I’d said that before. This time resolve and commitment came from my toes.
Having a better social life wasn’t working with what I was doing. Newly married neighbors met on match.com and my best friend met her husband on match. What could I lose? At least I’d have a few dinners, interesting conversations and stories to tell. With coaching from match-experienced friends, my profile was written and photos were selected for prime marketing.
June 30 was launch date. I hemmed and hawed about sending emails. "Do I do this or not? This is work. What do I say to strangers?” I muttered, afraid I’d be successful and have too much fun with Mr. Right. “Hey, that’s fear of success. Isn’t that why you’re doing this? Pull up those big girl panties and get over yourself. This is sport so go for it big.” I told myself.
With vigor I clicked on one profile after another of guys who were looking for I don’t know what. Each had to pass my rule of 6 – clean shaven, non-smoker, physically active, widowed or divorced, have kids and kind eyes. I wasn’t settling for less. And I had nothing to lose.
Many hours late at night were spent looking, reading, clicking, deleting. Not much out there that passes my rule of 6. Should I abandon the rule? Heck no. Abandoning my rule equals settling and I’m not settling.
The few guys who did pass got this email: Subject: Hi Handsome. After that, words stopped. Match directions say “write cute clever notes to show what a prize you are.” At 10 pm at night and dog tired it’s hard to be cute, clever or feel like a prize. Again I pulled up my big girl panties and persevered. Some notes were clever – I wondered if they were too clever. Other notes I was surprised got replies.
Several days after launch I got a strike. The bait worked. Hiker hit on me at Pinecone Hollow Café. It’s amazing this match stuff works in person, too. My follow-up to Hiker produced no results.
A few days later I cast my bait in quantity on match and got another strike! And this one wants to meet me for lunch! Success!
What success have you experienced from your resolutions?
It was one of those days that felt like I was wearing a wet wooly dog…a typical June day in RVA. Dressed in summer finery, I was on the way to Mandy’s wedding.
“I’m sick of this. I’m doing something about it.” I said. “This time next year my life will be different.” I muttered as I drove. “She’s divorced, dated, courted and getting married and I haven’t had a decent date in ages. Everybody’s getting married - even my daughter. This is changing.” I’d said that before. This time resolve and commitment came from my toes.
Having a better social life wasn’t working with what I was doing. Newly married neighbors met on match.com and my best friend met her husband on match. What could I lose? At least I’d have a few dinners, interesting conversations and stories to tell. With coaching from match-experienced friends, my profile was written and photos were selected for prime marketing.
June 30 was launch date. I hemmed and hawed about sending emails. "Do I do this or not? This is work. What do I say to strangers?” I muttered, afraid I’d be successful and have too much fun with Mr. Right. “Hey, that’s fear of success. Isn’t that why you’re doing this? Pull up those big girl panties and get over yourself. This is sport so go for it big.” I told myself.
With vigor I clicked on one profile after another of guys who were looking for I don’t know what. Each had to pass my rule of 6 – clean shaven, non-smoker, physically active, widowed or divorced, have kids and kind eyes. I wasn’t settling for less. And I had nothing to lose.
Many hours late at night were spent looking, reading, clicking, deleting. Not much out there that passes my rule of 6. Should I abandon the rule? Heck no. Abandoning my rule equals settling and I’m not settling.
The few guys who did pass got this email: Subject: Hi Handsome. After that, words stopped. Match directions say “write cute clever notes to show what a prize you are.” At 10 pm at night and dog tired it’s hard to be cute, clever or feel like a prize. Again I pulled up my big girl panties and persevered. Some notes were clever – I wondered if they were too clever. Other notes I was surprised got replies.
Several days after launch I got a strike. The bait worked. Hiker hit on me at Pinecone Hollow Café. It’s amazing this match stuff works in person, too. My follow-up to Hiker produced no results.
A few days later I cast my bait in quantity on match and got another strike! And this one wants to meet me for lunch! Success!
What success have you experienced from your resolutions?
When did you last get bit?
“Take time now to reflect.” he said. “Find a comfortable place and spend time quietly reading the passage until a word or phrase resonates with you. Then stop. Reflect and pray on it.” he continued.
The day was colder than a witch in you-know-what. Being a quart low on spiritualism, this time-out was ideal. A beautiful, warm sanctuary was perfect for the retreat titled ‘Be Still and Know I Am God’. I found a pew with a comfy red pad where I could rest my back against the wall, stretch out my legs and cushion my bum. The leader, Brother Geoffrey, a monk and Superior of The Society of Saint John the Evangelist, said to get comfortable and I was following his directions. I‘m sure God wants us to be comfy. Why else are there chocolate, cashmere and warm places to go in the cold winter?
The passage was Psalm 139. I read it, wondering what words would grab me. My eyes fell upon “search” – that’s not it – “am acquainted with my ways” – nope, not it. “You hem me in.” It hit me between the eyes. “What’s this about?” I wondered.
I don’t like being hemmed in, in a box, conventional ways. Following rules feels constricting. Perhaps that’s why I never had a ‘real’ job working for someone else.
Rules are made for breaking – or pushing, at the least. I love making up my own rules - and following them. I even wrote a book titled Smart Women Make Their Own Rules: the Professional Woman’s Guide to Igniting your Power. Rules are important. Without them the world would be even more chaotic. Can you imagine traffic - during rush hour - at intersections without traffic lights?
Upon reflection I got that I have to be hemmed in by rules- by my own ‘rules’ – the principles my life is lived by. Then I have focus to do the work I’m called to do. To do each task the best I can. To serve where I can. To be served when needed.
“You hem me in.” I get it. Dang! Guess rules are more important that I realized. Ugh.
Brother Geoffrey helped us process the reflections as I said “Geez” over and over again. Finally it was lunchtime, to be done silently, continuing the mode of the Retreat.
The dining hall was large, the food delicious. Silently, politely (after all, we are southern) we nodded to each other, smiled and dined silently. The sounds were cutlery hitting dishes, chairs scraping the floor, footsteps walking across the room …and chatter.
“Who is that idiot talking? Can't she follow the rules? We’re eating in silence. What about silence doesn’t she understand? Is it so hard?” I thought. Then I realized I just bit myself!
Rats! I hate it when I bite myself in the you-know-where.
The day was colder than a witch in you-know-what. Being a quart low on spiritualism, this time-out was ideal. A beautiful, warm sanctuary was perfect for the retreat titled ‘Be Still and Know I Am God’. I found a pew with a comfy red pad where I could rest my back against the wall, stretch out my legs and cushion my bum. The leader, Brother Geoffrey, a monk and Superior of The Society of Saint John the Evangelist, said to get comfortable and I was following his directions. I‘m sure God wants us to be comfy. Why else are there chocolate, cashmere and warm places to go in the cold winter?
The passage was Psalm 139. I read it, wondering what words would grab me. My eyes fell upon “search” – that’s not it – “am acquainted with my ways” – nope, not it. “You hem me in.” It hit me between the eyes. “What’s this about?” I wondered.
I don’t like being hemmed in, in a box, conventional ways. Following rules feels constricting. Perhaps that’s why I never had a ‘real’ job working for someone else.
Rules are made for breaking – or pushing, at the least. I love making up my own rules - and following them. I even wrote a book titled Smart Women Make Their Own Rules: the Professional Woman’s Guide to Igniting your Power. Rules are important. Without them the world would be even more chaotic. Can you imagine traffic - during rush hour - at intersections without traffic lights?
Upon reflection I got that I have to be hemmed in by rules- by my own ‘rules’ – the principles my life is lived by. Then I have focus to do the work I’m called to do. To do each task the best I can. To serve where I can. To be served when needed.
“You hem me in.” I get it. Dang! Guess rules are more important that I realized. Ugh.
Brother Geoffrey helped us process the reflections as I said “Geez” over and over again. Finally it was lunchtime, to be done silently, continuing the mode of the Retreat.
The dining hall was large, the food delicious. Silently, politely (after all, we are southern) we nodded to each other, smiled and dined silently. The sounds were cutlery hitting dishes, chairs scraping the floor, footsteps walking across the room …and chatter.
“Who is that idiot talking? Can't she follow the rules? We’re eating in silence. What about silence doesn’t she understand? Is it so hard?” I thought. Then I realized I just bit myself!
Rats! I hate it when I bite myself in the you-know-where.
What happens when you don't have a plan?
The plan for my 2011 goal setting Retreat was basic – a full day set aside to be alone, without distraction. Richmond Hill was the perfect place – secluded, noontime prayer, and silence. Paper, markers, pens, computer and other goodies were ready. When the day was over I would leave with goals set for each month of 2011 to get from here to year’s end with grace, charm, and ease. Well, you gotta have a dream, right?
I picked a large sunny room on the 2nd floor as my home for the day. It felt like the best place to be – surely it was closer to outdoors and God. Watching birds fly, traffic move and hearing trains whistle kept me company (maybe they would inspire me). The brilliant blue sky and bright sun cancelled the bitter outside cold.
In a panic because I was without a single idea of where to start, I took a deep breath and sat quietly. I prayed, asking God to send something – anything.
Soon phrases came so I wrote them down – affirmations like “I can do this. My attitude is positive. Embrace change. Embrace success.” Um, interesting thoughts. More came: “Look farther out and trust that God will get me there. Give up blocks and barriers.”
I made two lists – titled Let Go and Begin. That was truly divine inspiration since I’d never have thought of that one. Phrases and words filled the columns.
Then ideas came. Starting with the end and backing slowly into each month, 2011 unfolded. They were captured randomly on post- it notes, then stuck in place as the plan became clear. I was amazed.
Peace and quiet reigned. Ideas came fast. A large red-tailed hawk flew by at eye level. When the noontime prayer bell rang, the plan was complete! And the theme Hug Change was evolving.
At days’ end, SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Timely) goals had been established. Monthly goals and steps were clear and loose. I have to allow for windfalls and unexpected opportunities to expedite them.
What I had made so hard became easy by being quiet and patient. Juggling book signings, speaking gigs, travel, clients, contracts and my wonderful life are the goal. Hugging Change Boldly is the theme. How it really works may be the next reality show.
I picked a large sunny room on the 2nd floor as my home for the day. It felt like the best place to be – surely it was closer to outdoors and God. Watching birds fly, traffic move and hearing trains whistle kept me company (maybe they would inspire me). The brilliant blue sky and bright sun cancelled the bitter outside cold.
In a panic because I was without a single idea of where to start, I took a deep breath and sat quietly. I prayed, asking God to send something – anything.
Soon phrases came so I wrote them down – affirmations like “I can do this. My attitude is positive. Embrace change. Embrace success.” Um, interesting thoughts. More came: “Look farther out and trust that God will get me there. Give up blocks and barriers.”
I made two lists – titled Let Go and Begin. That was truly divine inspiration since I’d never have thought of that one. Phrases and words filled the columns.
Then ideas came. Starting with the end and backing slowly into each month, 2011 unfolded. They were captured randomly on post- it notes, then stuck in place as the plan became clear. I was amazed.
Peace and quiet reigned. Ideas came fast. A large red-tailed hawk flew by at eye level. When the noontime prayer bell rang, the plan was complete! And the theme Hug Change was evolving.
At days’ end, SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Timely) goals had been established. Monthly goals and steps were clear and loose. I have to allow for windfalls and unexpected opportunities to expedite them.
What I had made so hard became easy by being quiet and patient. Juggling book signings, speaking gigs, travel, clients, contracts and my wonderful life are the goal. Hugging Change Boldly is the theme. How it really works may be the next reality show.
2010's A Wrap - Bring On 2011
With a few days left in 2010, let’s call it a wrap. Here’re some questions to help you close out this year.
Wrap Up 2010
What were the breakdowns and disappoints of 2010? Get them out of the way. Write them down and let them go.
List your Successes, Wins, and Accomplishments. Your list should have at least 25 wins on it. Need reminding? Check your calendar, Facebook, ask friends, etc. to review the year. Own that you really did these things.
How are you personally and professionally different since 2010 began? What did you learn?
This is the stuff MBA school doesn’t teach. True insights have the transformational capability of shifting you into a new, more alive place!
What are you most grateful for? You’re using the basic principle: whatever you appreciate and give thanks for will increase in your life. This list could have at least 100 things on it. Go ahead, be audacious and write them down. Seeing is appreciating.
How will you celebrate your 2010 accomplishments? This honors you, your tenacity and boldness. It could be the beginning of an annual ritual. What would be a fun, special thing to do for yourself? With whom do you want to share it?
Now it's time to take the best of 2010 into 2011. Create your New Year! Bring on 2011.
How will you create your new year 2011? Each year I select a theme to remind me daily how to be to accomplish my goals. My 2010 theme is Be Bold, Be Happy, Play Big since I was tired of missing some goals. I posted it in key places in my office, bathroom and frig so it's in my face. Each time I think about being small, sad or shy, it reminded me they weren't the plan. I love bright colors and art so I drew my theme big and bold. What’s your theme? What would it look like? What is a metaphor you can use? Get creative, out of the box and have a good time with it.
What from 2010 do you not want to repeat? Think about all events that happened within your company/department and the effect they had on you and your team. Ask your associates for their ideas, too, if you’re at a loss. These are hard, unforgettable lessons learned.
What do you want more of that happened last year? Include everything no matter how big or small. Ask your associates for this, too.
Where can you be fearless in 2011 regarding your business? Get out of your way and step up to your greatness. What one habit do you need to trash?
What’s the biggest personal goal you have? Look at your life and wake up that idea or dream. What is it? How can you breathe life into it, embrace it and make it happen? Who can help you? How would your life be if this happened?
If you answer candidly half these questions, you’re on your way to a smart 2011. I’m rooting for you and your success. Need some help? Let me know – I’d love to hear your goals and ideas. Make 2011 your smartest year yet.
Wrap Up 2010
What were the breakdowns and disappoints of 2010? Get them out of the way. Write them down and let them go.
List your Successes, Wins, and Accomplishments. Your list should have at least 25 wins on it. Need reminding? Check your calendar, Facebook, ask friends, etc. to review the year. Own that you really did these things.
How are you personally and professionally different since 2010 began? What did you learn?
This is the stuff MBA school doesn’t teach. True insights have the transformational capability of shifting you into a new, more alive place!
What are you most grateful for? You’re using the basic principle: whatever you appreciate and give thanks for will increase in your life. This list could have at least 100 things on it. Go ahead, be audacious and write them down. Seeing is appreciating.
How will you celebrate your 2010 accomplishments? This honors you, your tenacity and boldness. It could be the beginning of an annual ritual. What would be a fun, special thing to do for yourself? With whom do you want to share it?
Now it's time to take the best of 2010 into 2011. Create your New Year! Bring on 2011.
How will you create your new year 2011? Each year I select a theme to remind me daily how to be to accomplish my goals. My 2010 theme is Be Bold, Be Happy, Play Big since I was tired of missing some goals. I posted it in key places in my office, bathroom and frig so it's in my face. Each time I think about being small, sad or shy, it reminded me they weren't the plan. I love bright colors and art so I drew my theme big and bold. What’s your theme? What would it look like? What is a metaphor you can use? Get creative, out of the box and have a good time with it.
What from 2010 do you not want to repeat? Think about all events that happened within your company/department and the effect they had on you and your team. Ask your associates for their ideas, too, if you’re at a loss. These are hard, unforgettable lessons learned.
What do you want more of that happened last year? Include everything no matter how big or small. Ask your associates for this, too.
Where can you be fearless in 2011 regarding your business? Get out of your way and step up to your greatness. What one habit do you need to trash?
What’s the biggest personal goal you have? Look at your life and wake up that idea or dream. What is it? How can you breathe life into it, embrace it and make it happen? Who can help you? How would your life be if this happened?
If you answer candidly half these questions, you’re on your way to a smart 2011. I’m rooting for you and your success. Need some help? Let me know – I’d love to hear your goals and ideas. Make 2011 your smartest year yet.
Get Outta My Way: 8 Ways to Stop Self Sabotage
“Oh, yes. I’m glad to help you. “ Leslie said. “What do you need and when?” Sally replied, “Tomorrow. I know your inbox is full and you’re under deadline. I do need your help. Thanks. That really helps me out.”
“A full inbox and under deadline is an understatement”, Leslie thinks. “Already I’m late with my own project and here I am saying yes. Why did I do that? Why didn’t I say NO? I want Sally to like me …”
How many times have you done this? You just sabotaged yourself - again. How can you change that? With the same clarity and cunning that your Inner Critic – aka the Bitch - uses, you can overcome your saboteurs. Here’re a few ways to begin.
· Know you have to change. Habits can get you ahead and habits will keep you stuck. You’re leaving your comfort zone behind. Make a decision to change and be willing to be uncomfortable until you assimilate new beneficial behaviors.
· Notice what you say and what you think when you say it. Are you saying yes when you want to say no? Are you letting people waste your time and make you late? Are you being polite so you won’t hurt their feelings? Pay attention to what you say and what you’re thinking as you say it.
· Ask what you’re getting out of sabotaging yourself. Do you get to stay in your comfort zone? Get to be liked? Look good? What’s in it for you to keep doing these things?
· Explore different options/ways of behaving. Rather than letting inane conversation eat up your time to be liked or polite, what would happen if you honored yourself and your time? Could you say “Let’s talk more about this later.” and claim your time? Remember the airlines have an agreement with you that the plane leaves with or without you.
· What’s the smart woman’s way? Look at mentors and leaders in Women in Insurance and Financial Services. What do they do that you’re not doing? What can you learn from them?
Busting your saboteurs is a process. As much as I want to give you a quick fix, I can’t. It’s a process and takes time. Following are more proven methods to use and begin building a solid foundation.
· Team up with a like-minded trusted friend who wants to shake her sabotaging ways. Set each other up for success by agreeing to check in daily at first to review your behaviors, support each other and hold each other accountable to change.
· Include fun rewards for successes and incremental changes, no matter how small. You are making progress and deserve rewards.
· Acknowledge yourself for your successes and failures. If you didn’t make a change, it’s ok today. Tomorrow will bring another chance to do it again.
In Smart Women Make Their Own Rules, I write “Blessed is the smart woman who changes what gets in her way. She shall have an easier life.”
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