What's Going On Isn't What You Think Is Going On

      I was feeling overwhelmed. My book Smart Women Make Their Own Rules was in its final stages of printing, plans were underway for signings and there wasn’t enough of me to go around.  How was I going to manage all that and a relationship too? 

      “I’m in his sights, I know it.  I just don’t know what I want to do.” I told Smith.  “This is going faster than I thought.”   

      “So why are you resisting what’s happening? He’s offering you what you want. What’s going on?”Smith asked.   

      When feeling out of control, I resort to getting order by making order out of chaos.  An energy zapping messy office bookcase was the target.  At completion many books were stacked up to go to Goodwill, notebooks were tossed and old journals were set aside for my old journal ritual. 

      Journaling is a marvelous tool. I started the practice when my marriage was falling apart, life was too painful and I was at my wit’s end.   As life changes, journal pages fill and they rest on a shelf until ritual time. The ritual is quite simple: I burn each page, scattering the ashes in a special place in my garden.  

      In the cover of darkness, I sat in my garden and watched flames consume each page.  One page was different with columns on it vs. the paragraphs that cleared my head.  “Hmm, I’d better set this one aside and read it later. It looks too different.” I thought. 

      In the light of my cozy room I read the set-aside page. It was titled My Man – 2004.  In two columns were lwords - the values and traits I wanted in my man.  As I read it, I was awed.   I couldn’t believe it!  I wrote it in ’04 and here I am in 2011- reading each word that described Admiral.  

      “So why am I hesitating?”  I ask myself.  “Smokie, you don’t feel like you deserve this guy.  Look at your self esteem.  You asked for this man and here he is.  You are so worthy of this guy.  Get over yourself. “